Consumption Junction, Or Why Did We Buy An 80 Pack of Fruit Snacks?

To those of you who knew me way back when, it may be surprising to know that my weekends, formerly filled with bar-hopping, 3 am last-calls, and notorious stories, have now been replaced by Comcast On-Demand, afternoon nap time, and the Holy Trinity of weekend consumption: Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Costco.

If I had to venture a guess, I'd approximate that at least 15% of our household income goes right into the revenue of one of these three stores. And, like a functioning addict, I cannot go a single week (or weekend) without justifying a purchase at any of these retailers, or pondering my next big ticket item. On a related note, I can't help but wonder if my circumstances have predetermined this:

a) Female;
b) 30s;
c) Disposable Income;
d) Estrogen surplus;
e) Irrational fear of the Apocalypse

It does not help to have a life partner who may be psychologically addicted to "acquiring stuff".  I swear, the mere mention of a new purchase creates sheer elation on his part. This is the man who, shortly after our joint decision to stage a two-man coup against Verizon Wireless last summer, walked right up to the AT&T counter and giddily placed his order -  "Two iPhone 4s please. And a family plan."

I know you're thinking, "she's moved on from dating crazy people and having good stories to compulsive shopping at big-box retailers?" But I'm telling you, this shopping habit is more powerful than any weekend plan, and with worse hangovers. Things like waking up on Monday mornings with nothing to pack for lunch but your choice of 80 packages of fruit snacks, an apple, and no entree. Or having 2 60 oz. squeeze bottles of ketchup, but no hot dogs or hamburgers. Or worst yet, avoiding eye contact with your monthly credit card statement, which seems to be erroneously reporting that you spent $160 at Costco last week, yet knowing that you had to buy a lunch because you couldn't cobble one together.

For a family of two, we sure do buy like a family of four. I wonder what will happen when we do start our own family and there are other little mouths to feed with Kirkland-brand goods. Will we buy for 8? 16? 32? Am I wrong to assume this will go up by factors of 4?

So, yeah. This post doesn't have a cheerful conclusion, or an end hook, but if anyone is able to recommend a recovery program for this, please let me know. Until then, I'll be perusing the dairy aisle and justifying a 3 lb. block of cheddar.